The Line Between Hot and Cold

When did I first begin to doubt?

I’ll start off by admitting I don’t rightly know.  Trying to define the point at which I turned from believer into doubter is a little like trying to pinpoint when the water in a tea kettle turns from cold to hot.  On either end you know its cold and that its hot, but there is a lot of lukewarm in between.

My earliest recollection of a disturbance of doubt is from my first couple years as a Christian, probably 23-24 years ago.  I was a fervent young believer then, still convinced that full-time Christian ministry lay in my future.  My study of the bible was ever-deepening, and in that effort I was buying a number of extra-biblical study aids.  Several of these I bought not out of any perceived need, but because they were recommended as part of a core library for any serious Christian student of the bible.

One of these must-have books was Gleason Archer’s “Encyclopedia of Bible Difficulties.”

I vividly remember thinking, “Why is there an encyclopedia of bible Difficulties?”  In my first year or two of study I took everything I read and everything I heard from the pulpit as absolute truth, without reservation.  It had never occurred to me that the bible was somehow imperfect, or that there were contradictions that were difficult to explain away.  No pastor had ever said, “Look, guys, there are some dicey passages in the bible that don’t make a lot of sense.  You’re just going to have to trust us.”  In fact, their message was just the opposite.  This bible was god-breathed, the perfect expression of god’s will on earth, living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword.  Not only that, but we had the holy spirit to illuminate the words of this book, to teach us and reveal god’s truth within.  How could such a thing have difficulties?

As I delved a little bit into the book, I had this mild sick feeling in my gut.  Could it be that this whole Jesus/Salvation thing wasn’t as cut and dried as had been represented?

At the time, though, this recovering Catholic had a severe bias in favor of the bible.  I was emotionally sold out to the idea that I had found the real truth hidden in the pages of the bible.  How could millions of Christians, and these men in whom I’d placed my trust, be wrong?  I ignored the rest of the book, reasoning that it would only serve to put doubts in my head and, hey, the book itself was proof that these supposed “difficulties” had answers, right?  I didn’t need to know every last thing at this point in time, and if such a question did come up, well, I had this handy book of answers.

Yeah, I know.  I was young.

Fast forward a few years.  I’m married, working a lot of hours, relatively poor, and my dream of full time ministry is fading fast.  One, I can’t afford to go to school.  Two, I’m immature and relatively lazy.  Three, the plans my wife and I come up with to get me there are half-baked at best (driven by my own tendency to pipe dream in the face of her common sense.)  And four, I’m spiritually a wishy-washy failure.  My dedication in many ways is second to none.  I’m as faithful as anyone anywhere in my church attendance, bible reading, scripture memorization, and participation in church activities.  But my personal failures are consistent and annoying.  While they’re not earth-shattering by any stretch, they’re persistent, and leave me feeling I’m always slipping back to square one.

I was caught in a cycle that so many Christians find themselves in, though many won’t ever admit it, for fear they would be seen as unqualified for whatever ministry they find themselves in charge of or involved in at church.  I guarantee you that the number of Christians actually walking in persistent “victory” is much smaller than the number of them who aren’t but want you to believe that they are.  They’re not being deliberately deceitful.  They’re treading water, trying to get over that hump of failure, convinced that this time they’ll stay on the path and depend on the Jesus through faith to stay on the straight and and narrow and not gossip/lie/cuss/masturbate/look at porn/steal/cheat on their taxes/drink too much, etc – anymore.

My natural pattern when I was feeling like a failure was to take another deep dive into Romans 5-8, Paul’s clearest teaching on the Christian concept of sin and the believer.

At one point I thought to myself, “If Jesus is the answer to my problems, why am I always going to Paul to seek wisdom and power?”

I realized at that time that there was a disconnect between the teachings attributed to Jesus Christ in the New Testament and the convoluted detail of Paul’s teaching.  Alas, at that time I managed to rationalize it away by seeing the bible as a whole and concluding that God had to use Paul to explain what his son’s ministry was really all about.

Now, of course, that seems incongruous.  Surely god incarnate could have made all of these things abundantly clear, at least for those who do believe, right?  Why do I need Paul?  Why would I have to wait 35-65 years after the time of Christ to get a clear explanation of what it means to really be a Christ follower?

Over the succeeding years I ran across the same sort of things that other doubters uncover, though I certainly was fervent and dedicated throughout most of that time.  Still I would wonder:

  • Could god really have flooded the entire earth, or was it a local flood?
  • Why would god command genocide?
  • How could the Adam and Eve story be remotely real in the face of modern scientific knowledge?
  • Where did Cain’s wife come from?
  • Who were the Nephilim anyway?
  • Why didn’t many of the Christians I know care as much about the poor as Jesus seemed to?
  • What really happens to billions who never hear the gospel of Christ?

That’s just a sampling.  All of those questions I began to store up and hide away.  I didn’t want to face them.  I didn’t have the courage.  Looking back at it I call it my “Canyon of Doubt.”  When the canyon started to get full, I built a dam to hold them back.  I had to…

You see, sometime about 8-9 years ago, my wife’s doubts, which she had been harboring for awhile, came to a head when she couldn’t hide them anymore.  8 years previous she had taken a college course on Early Christian History that had really forced her to take a hard look at the doubts she had harbored throughout our Christian lives together (we were together a couple years before we became Christians.)  She continued to question and pursue, seeking truth rather than comfortable ignorance.  Finally about 8 years ago she came out to me that she was an agnostic, that she could no longer believe the Christianity we’d supposedly built our lives on, and she stopped going to church.  She had had an epiphany while helping out teaching Sunday School to preschoolers at the little church where I was the worship leader.  The lesson plans had her teaching lessons like Noah’s Ark, Adam & Eve, and so on.  She felt like she was lying to these little children.  She loved her friends and our little community, but she couldn’t go on pretending she believed these things and indoctrinating the little children.

So she was out, and I was in, and I had to figure out what to do.  I tried to tread lightly, because I love my wife dearly, and furthermore, there was a small part of me that understood.  There was a much larger part of me that did not, however.  She has a tendency to look at all the things that can go wrong in a situation.  This is actually a helpful skill, but is annoying when you just want someone to tell you how wonderful everything is and how clever you are.  So I attributed her doubt to that tendency, that she would lend credence to everything that supported her view and eschew anything that supported the Christian view (because, y’know, Christians never do that!)  Basically, for the sake of our kids and our family, I had to hold the line and keep the demons at bay.  I should say that we learned through this to communicate better, to accept each other, and to love each other more deeply for who we were.  Our ability to do that, I confess, further added to my doubts.  After all, how could we do that if we were unequally yoked?

So I refused to look deeper into my doubts.  Furthermore, anything she and I discussed that added to my doubts I tossed to the other side of my Dam of Doubt, trusting God had all the answers.  I had to hold the line.

As the next 6-7 years or so passed, I found my view of living life as a human being shifting.  Through experience I found life to be far more random, far more like the book of Ecclesiastes than Romans.  It rained on the righteous and the unrighteous.  Life was random.  Things happened to whom they happened to solely because they happened, not for any particular reason.  The issue wasn’t what happened, it was who you WERE in the midst of what was happening.  That really is not a Christian way of looking at things.  There is another philosophy that fits the bill, and some of you may recognize it already.  I didn’t.  In fact, I thought I was getting a little closer to Jesus and his teachings than most of my peers.

Maybe I was.

Furthermore, I let some doubts on fringe issues out of the canyon.  As I learned more things about the world we live in, I had to adjust my theology to match.  One particular item was the evolution/creation “debate.”  After years of being a creationist in the face of most common sense, I decided that the emphasis on this concept by Evangelical Christians was misplaced.  My thought was that as long as Jesus Christ rose from the dead, it didn’t matter how we got here.  It didn’t matter if the whole Adam and Eve thing was an allegory to show how we all were one human family that needed redemption.  As long as the resurrection was true, the bible was true.

Noah’s ark took the next hit.  It could have been a local flood.  Those from whom the oral tradition was handed down would likely have experienced the flood as a worldwide flood, one that in their experience seemed to cover all the known world, leaving only water as far as they eye could see, destroying nearly everything.  They were telling the truth as they knew it and God was using it to make a point.  No problem.

The circle of what I believed from the bible was getting smaller and smaller, leaving pretty much just the core message of salvation through Jesus Christ intact.

Fast forward again, this time to earlier this year.  There was an event in our lives that brought me face to face with my continual struggle with anger, to the point where my wife gave me an ultimatum to deal with it once and for all.  Someday I’ll go into the details of this event, but suffice to say I was lucky that the only fallout from it was facing the fact I needed to deal with it.  We should all be so lucky.

It made me a little sick with fear.  If I stayed with the same old thing, I was facing another vicious circle of victory, struggle, failure, shame, repentance, recommitment, victory, struggle, failure, etc…  I had spent 26 years on that roller coaster and it was draining me.

I went casting about for a fresh look at anger.  (Right here is where most of the Christians will say I went wrong.  I should have stuck with Jesus and asked him for help.  I’ll tell them right now – help had not come in a quarter century, and I wasn’t about to go all the way to my deathbed wondering when it would come.)

I decided to find a book with a different, practical approach to anger, to see if it would make a difference.  The first one I found, Beyond Anger, didn’t describe me at all.  I couldn’t identify with the seething, unhappy, raging, unsuccessful, broken household angry person the author described.  I’m happily married, very successful, respected in my community, etc.  It didn’t line up.  I even wrote to him to say so.  He basically accused me of being in denial.  Okey-dokey, next?

The next book I found seemed odd at first, but the solution was alluring.  It was called The Cow in the Parking Lot, and it promised a Zen approach to dealing with anger.  It also promised that their approach was purely philosophical and wouldn’t conflict with anyone’s religion.  So I gave it a go.

It was transforming.  Here was a philosophy that laid bare my reasons for anger, the emptiness of those reasons, and the solution in compassion to overcome the anger.  While I still struggle here and there, I have found respite from it, and learned how to deal with it in a real way.  More consistency may be needed, but even there I can accept where I am now and continue to pursue compassionate living.

With that epiphany, I began meditating, mostly on verses and psalms focusing on love and compassion from God’s word.  I began to research the mystics like Thomas Merton to see if one could pursue Zen philosophy under the umbrella of Christian belief.  Still, diving deeper into Buddhist philosophy, I found a lot of conflict between the two.  Impermanence vs. unchanging, immortal eternity.  Monism vs. Dualism.  Soul vs. non-self.

All the while I’m still leading worship at my little church.

I came to a realization that even if I could find a way to reconcile the two philosophies, the leaders of my little church would never be able to accept and understand the idea.  Meditating was something lost new-ager/Hindu/Buddhist types did, not Christians.  Believe me, you can find a LOT of uninformed Christian ranting on this topic online.

I realized I either had to give up the first thing that ever worked for me in this way, or I had to decide what I really believed.

I turned and for the first time viewed in its fullness my Dam of Doubt.  I gave apologists the first crack at me, starting with Norman Geisler.  I was unimpressed.  In ways that I’ll go into specifically in the coming weeks and months, he skirted around or ignored the hard questions I had, or worse, gave pat answers that convince only the convinced and pander to those who don’t want to dive deep, but are troubled enough to at least read his material.  So I then read Why I Became an Atheist.  There I found my most disturbing questions addressed deeply.  Obviously I’ll go into this in depth in future posts as well.

Finally I broke the news to my wife.  I had hidden the depth of my doubt throughout this whole process, again because I was holding the line.  After that I had to meet with my pastor.  I stepped down from ministry and away from the church.  I’m now an agnostic Buddhist.

But when did I become a doubter?  When did I move from a believer who deals with doubts to a doubter who couldn’t believe anymore?  Which doubt sealed the deal?  Was it any of them?  Was it at the point that I was willing to change my mind?  Who knows?

All I know is that once I was blind, but now I see

25 thoughts on “The Line Between Hot and Cold

  1. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts. Ex-christians who aren’t stuck in hate-religion-mode are wonderfully encouraging to the rest of us. (: Thanks for doing this.

  2. Most Christians would not call the spiritual path I follow these days “Christianity”, so I guess you could say I’ve left it, too. But, it’s funny. I think I’ve actually found something more akin to what it should have been than what has been presented as Christianity for the past couple thousand years.

      • “… the real teachings of Jesus …”

        Only … there’s no evidence there ever was a gospel ‘Jesus’, strong evidence (compare Philo and Josephus) there was not and “the real teachings” were written by Greeks long after the supposed ‘Jesus’ supposedly died.

        One might as well look to “the real teachings of” James Bond … or Harry Potter. The writing is better.

      • Jim – thanks for visiting 🙂 I don’t disagree at all – I should better say teachings attributed to Jesus. Regardless of where they came from and how they were assembled, there’s some very good wisdom in places.

        Cheers 🙂

  3. Thanks for the book recommendations. I also have anger issues that, while I don’t think they are inherently dangerous, do complicate things so very unnecessarily. Your Amazon link to “Cow” also featured John C. Parkin’s “F**k It,” which looks interesting and could suit a profane and irreverent soul such as myself.

    • LOL, I could see that working for you! Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh has a book on anger – his approach is pretty different too – very interesting. I think CitPL and the other are a little more practical, though.

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  5. I was going in a similar direction, until I realizes that as an atheist I would have to believe that all existence, life, mind, and reason itself are the product of mindless forces.

    So when John Loftus came up with his defense of atheism, in the last chapter of WIBA and said that his only conclusion was that “chance” did…that’s his word, “chance”…I knew he didn’t know squat about science and that his claim was indemonstrable.

    Further, it was pointed out to me that in WIBA in the first chapter…which I had skipped over because it was John’s personal story…Loftus admitted that he had lied to a lot of people.

    Worse, he blamed his wife for “lacking passion” and blamed a stripper who “tempted” him as being responsible for the chain of events that led to his “deconversion”.

    And in that same chapter he said the TWO of the Three Main Reasons he deconverted were Emotional.

    WIBA did not impress me and is not convincing, further because of his shotgun approach to arguments in which he deals with subjects that have had whole books written about them in a few pages.

    So, not only is the book based on what was originally an emotional reaction…by own admission…it is superficial as well. And John knows, this, because he did not really write any of his books any more but asembles teams of “contributors” to write them for him.

    I don’t find him convincing.

    • I found him very convincing. The personal story actually turned me off at first, but when you realize that it was his own failings as well as the failings of other Christians that forced him to look at the whole picture in the first place. I don’t think he was blaming them so much as explaining what initially motivated him to take a harder, more skeptical look at Christianity. I disagree with you about the rest of the book. Much of the material in there was pointedly cogent to my doubts. There is actually a lot of good material. If you understand it as a survey then you understand his approach. I didn’t find it scattered at all.

      I’m reading The Christian Delusion now, and frankly I don’t understand how having material collected from a number of authors is a negative. Just the opposite, you get more voices and more points of view to consider. I also read Richard Carrier, Valerie Tarrico, and another whose name escapes me. I read about half of Copan’s “Moral Monster” and have delved into one of Craig’s books. Talk about unconvincing. It take a lot of twisting and excuse-making (which God surely should not require) to keep such beliefs going.

      I understand your aversion to mindless forces, or worse, the idea of chance (and yet that’s really what it comes down to, and I don’t think that’s an unscientific view,) but I think the world as it lends itself very well to the idea of chance and randomness/chaos. Think it through. What would you expect if nature evolved rather than was designed?

      It’s a hard, convoluted question, but I think you’d come up with something a lot closer than this world rather than a supposed perfect creation.

      • Hi TF, You write very well. Interesting journey. I know of husbands and wives whose views have affected each other in different ways. Lee Strobel’s wife for instance was attending church before he gave it a try. It’s also a sticky situation when one spouse enters or leaves an enthusiastic religious fold, a situation that can grow to be quite difficult especially if the couple already has children. Or sometimes a breakup can reboot one’s emotional connections leading either to entering a religious fold or leaving it.

        Also, most religious conversions are not instantaneous. Most are the result of years of familial influences and enculturation. But emotional reboots can happen fast, afterwards that person may be open to reading either more religious devotional literature or more questioning writings, and thus re-educate themselves to try and keep that “happy” or “pleasantly curious” feeling going.

        Let me know when you get to my chapter in The Christian Delusion. There are also some excellent writings at a Christian website that emphasize many of the same points I make in that chapter about ANE cosmologies and the Bible:

        Click to access godawa_scholarly_paper_2.pdf

        Click to access godawa_scholarly_paper.pdf

        Also see these pieces on the theological worldview of the ancient Hebrews in its historical context:

      • Ed – actually just finished your chapter. A lot of amazing info in there (almost too much!)

        What strikes me most, I think, isn’t so much the lack of scientific reality in the cosmology, rather the long, connecting lines running through ANE mythology. The more you see the more you understand that J/C scripture is simply other men’s versions of the stories they’d been told over and over again throughout generations in pre-Hebraic culture.

        It all comes down to the bible being a collection of manmade accounts of the actions of a people under the guise of obedience to their tribal god.

      • Thanks TF, Glad you found the chapter chocked full of amazing info. I also highly suggest reading the articles at the links I provided. Godawa’s articles are handy since they agree the ancient Hebrews assumed a flat earth, and also employed imagery of their God fighting beasts and taming the sea as in surrounding ANE nations. Godawa’s articles are also part of the BIOLOGOS website that was founded by Christians in 2010 to battle creationism and even arguments. There’s one biologist on the site who even writes about his reasons for leaving the I.D. movement. Michael Denton also left that movement though his book helped found it before Behe’s book ever appeared.

  6. WIBA played a role in my de-conversion as well (I have just begun telling my own story at Incidentally, it’s obvious that Jouras did not actually read the first part of it (as he himself admits) since his description is inaccurate on several points.

    And Copan’s book (“Is God A Moral Monster?”) was completely destroyed by Thom Stark anyway (at Frankly, I’m surprised that Christians still recommend it at all. Thom’s other book, “The Human Faces Of God: What Scripture Reveals When It Gets God Wrong (And Why Inerrancy Tries To Hide It)”, was also fantastic (in case you haven’t read that one yet).

    Thanks for putting yourself out there. I’ll be following along…

    • Thanks for the visit and comment.

      I didn’t bother to mention that I’m actually reading Thom’s critique in parallel, comparing with my own conclusions. Not a lot of difference there, but Thom really picks up on some details that I miss.

      I didn’t go back to read the first part of WIBA – I just recall at the time (still being on the fence) being disturbed by the personal part of it because he seemed to blame others – until I realized that he was trying to show what it took for him to actually take a look at the beliefs. It took a set of personal failures and disasters to get him to take a hard look. I think it’s easy for a lot of Christians to look past his account for the reason, because one of the primary offenses of the Christian versus the unbeliever, especially the deconverted, is that they bailed because they want to sin, and are just rationalizing their decision. That of course is not the case, but my mind went there first on first reading.

  7. Hi TF,

    My own journey out of conservative Christianity like yours, included reading Christian and eastern mystics (as well as studying the Bible, alternative theologies, history and science). I see that we also both began as cradle Catholics before becoming born again, though it took you longer than I to leave the fold. While in the case of others I’ve spoken with, they left it earlier than I did. My journey toward moderate Christianity and finally agnosticism began after college and took at least five years of praying, reading, letter-writing, and constant arguments with myself. As someone once said, “It appears so easy to convert others, but oh so difficult to convert one’s self.”

  8. Wow, you write extremely well. Thanks for the perspective.

    Your experience is similar to mine– a glacial pace at first, then a sharp break at the end when the realization hits that ‘this Christianity stuff just doesn’t make sense!”. Too bad it took me 30 years to come to that realization,. However, Zen helps me deal with it.

    • Hi, Obiron: Thanks for your kind words and your visit.

      It’s interesting, because if you’re like me, you sort of knew it in the back of your mind, but you had to fill in the spaces for yourself and find the courage to have one good look and finally see that it doesn’t make sense at all.

      Cheers to you, and good luck in your practice. I have found a lot of peace and happiness in my short time already.

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